Life, and lessons learned...

Hello again all! I'm sorry for being absent from this blog so much...when I have time, I'm so tired, and have nothing to say. The rest of the time, I have no time. Surely life will settle at some point.

So my mom has improved, and is coming out of the hospital today. Because she was there for almost 6 weeks, she is going to a nursing facility (fancy name for a nursing home). So, today, I take my 59-year-old mother to a nursing home. Never quite thought my 30s would look like this.

About a week after this whole thing started up with my mom in December, I came down with a cold. I went to the doctor...because I simply had no time to be sick...the mom was in critical condition. My doctor wasn't in, so I saw another doctor in the practice. Well...I don't understand the aversion to giving someone antibiotics...but he asked about everything going on with my mother, all her diagnosis...the whole 9. I think he was just nosy. Then he made the comment "wow, I bet you hope all that isn't genetic". Gee...thanks doofy head. Now I'm worried about my future health, the health of my children, in addition to trying to keep my mother among the living. Yeah. I needed that.

Well, it wasn't as if the thought hasn't crossed my mind. I believe that my mother's health is the result of living at a stress level for 30 years that most of us can't even imagine, hating and avoiding doctors until it is on the very edge of too late, in addition to some bad decisions and some bad luck. I, on the other hand, try to take care of myself...sworn off stress where I can, and go to the doctor when I need to. I think I'm made of better stuff.

Due to the drama, we've made a lot of promises around here lately. I promise to never be my mother (that's a big one...the wife likes that one). I promise to take care of you when you get sick, and you darn well better do the same. We promise to be parents, and do what we can to allow our children to be caretakers to their own children, not us.

The doctors are hopeful that my mom can go back home to her life eventually. I hope so too. Sticking my mother in a home at this point is a little depressing for both her and I. But in all the things she's never understood about being and staying healthy, I've learned so much.

There is one thing I've learned, but hope never to pass onto my children. Some of the most powerful life lessons I got from my parents were learned by watching them fail. Unfortunately, I've learned more from their mistakes than I ever learned from their teachings. For me, it has made me stronger, more independent, and just more aware of my decisions and path in life. However, I want to find a way to instill strength and independence in my children in another manner...setting an example of success they want to follow, rather than an example of failure that they want to avoid. I sincerely hope that can give these kids the same character and strength that I have, without the hefty price tag.

Yeah, I'm a slack...

Well, between the mom (still in the hospital), and our life, I've been busy. Oh yeah, also paying all the mom's bills, dealing with Social Security and Medicaid (because now she'll be considered disabled), and pretending to work...I'm exhausted. So, there's my lame excuse for not blogging. I hope you all will forgive me.

Well, I try to keep all secretive about this baby-making thing, as to not upset the gods of fate, or murphy's law or something, but I'm not caring about them this time. This week, we try again. I'm trying to manage my stress level - the happy pills that the doctor gave me are helping. I have a bottle of red wine - saved just for the occasion. In a time where I look at my days, and wonder what part of those hours were focused on the me and the wife...I figure this is the time to focus on our family.

So wish us luck, and keep happy thoughts like screaming babies and dirty diapers in your heads. OK...maybe we should think about the sweeter moments. :-)

And as for my bottle of wine for the occasion...I am just so amused:

The back of the bottle says "It's just wrong". I don't know...the sarcasm seems to suit me somehow, don't ya think?

holy crap...

I haven't decided if I'm actually frightened by this product - maybe it has some validity. But I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY frightened by the ad:

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/88656-Microsoft-Songsmith-Commercial-is-Excruciatingly-Hilarious

(Had to put a new link up because MS took the scary ad off...I guess somebody found out they were being mocked by the world)

A Resolution

My friend Jenny said a few weeks ago that we need resolutions. I've been a bit busy, as you can imagine, so I haven't thought much about it. But I think I have it.

I resolve to be all about me from time to time. I shall call it the resolution of self-centeredness. Since I was a kid, I've felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I've found great joy lately in the people who are just there - those ones who don't need things from me. The wife thinks I let myself get walked on a bit. Not by you folks, but by the folks who I don't like enough to give this blog address to. :)

I am capable of saying no - I've gotten better at that over the years. I just haven't mastered the art of not feeling guilty about it, though. And if I'm going to feel guilty about saying no, I guess it would have been just about the same as saying yes. I think it expends the same amount of energy, usually.

So I'm going to resolve that it is ok to just be about me sometimes. It is ok to ignore the world and take a bubble bath. Most of all, it is ok that I'm not spending 8 hours up at the hospital every day with my Mom. That's the one that is giving me the most guilt right now - and I just have to stop that. I go up there every day for a few hours. That is enough. She is living her life, unfortunately right now dealing with the consequences of some really bad decisions. So I'm going to live mine.

So, I'm going to a movie with the wife today. I'm going to a friend's little girl's birthday party. I'll go see Mom, but after my "me time". And after a delay, we will start trying for this baby again. This is my life, and nobody is going to live it for me but me. Guilt...go away!!

Hello, at long last...

I have completely forgotten about this blog, many of you know that is because my mother has been ill...she's been in ICU for 2 weeks now. The list of problems is getting too long to list, but we take it day it day by day, some good, some bad. Tomorrow we are hoping to find out that an episode where she stopped breathing on Friday did not actually result in brain damage. Yes, it has been that kind of month.

The great thing about this whole experience is I've really found comfort in my fantastic marriage, and the great friends that surround me. My mom and I are it as far as biological family goes, so in that case this situation may be very lonely. However, I'm constantly surrounded by great friends that hold me up, make me laugh, and keep me going. And they aren't shocked by my sarcasm...which is my default mode of coping.

Speaking of sarcasm, on the way home tonight from feeding the mom's cat, we passed a house where someone I went to school with grew up. The wife pointed it out for some reason, and I said "so & so grew up there...last I heard was that she found Jesus." The wife - "hmmm, I didn't know he was lost. I bet they're glad she found him." That's why I love her so much.

We're hanging in...don't worry about us. If we duck this brain damage thing, then she has a good shot at recovering. If we do have to deal with the brain damage, I hope it is the funny kind, and not the drooling kind. That would really suck. :-)